I have never lived in a world that wasn’t devoutly Christian. From the day of my birth–or more importantly, according to my family, the day of my baptism–I have been brought up in the most Lutheran of households.
I’ve always been told that faith is a virtue, and nonbelief is a great abomination. As a child, I was so used to hearing this that it didn’t even bother me. But also as a child, I was losing my faith.
I never particularly liked church or religious rituals, and I’m too skeptical to accept biblical stories as true “just because they’re in the bible.” My adolescent disbelief then manifested itself as apathy towards religion, and blatant acceptance of the fact that my disbelief in God would live and die with me.
But I would never dream of telling anyone. It wasn’t a big deal; it was just the way it was.
It Is What It Is
My religious apathy wasn’t a big deal to me throughout high school. It didn’t matter that I would never be able to tell anyone. My closest friends didn’t know, my parents didn’t know, my three sisters didn’t even know. I told myself that even when I’m married, it would be too big a secret to share with my husband.
Besides, my family will expect me to baptize my child, and often, if you get your children baptized at a church, the church makes you promise to attend regularly. I was bound to be stuck living as a Christian forever, and I didn’t bother to fight it. It was too hard a fight over so small an issue.
Change of Plans
News flash: never disclosing your true self to your significant other is a lot easier said than done, especially when you’ve never been in a relationship before.
I was still apathetic towards Christianity when I started dating my boyfriend four years ago, in my junior year of high school. But contrary to my previous plan, I didn’t want to keep this secret from him. As it turns out, relationships work best without any secrets, especially huge identity secrets.
He had been raised United Methodist, but he himself didn’t seem overly religious to me. So once I was sure that this wouldn’t be a deal-breaker, I decided it was time to tell him. Religion wasn’t something we had talked about before, so it was an awkward conversation, which for some reason, we had over text.
“Hey, you know that whole….Jesus thing?” I texted.
“Yeah…?” he replied.
“I don’t really believe in all that.” I confessed.
“Oh, okay.”
I don’t think he really cared at the time. Neither of us believed. But he came to church with me anyways, because that’s what you do if you want to win over my mother.
From Apathy to Atheism
I ended up attending college at a small, conservative Christian school not too far from home. I liked that it was small, my mom liked that it was Christian, and we both liked that it was close by.
I was used to everyone I know being a Christian, so I didn’t think it would be a big problem that the whole school lives and breathes (and eats and drinks) Jesus. Little did I know that this school would drive me up the wall.
It was actually my classes here that made me really evaluate arguments for and against God, and the school inadvertently gave me that push from religious apathy to a nearly definite lack of belief in God.
Now, my interest in religion and atheism was piqued; inspiring me to buy and read books on atheism and start my anonymous atheist blog. I spent a lot of time reading and writing about atheism in my dorm room, and it was getting harder and harder to hide what I was losing from my two roommates.
At this point, I knew that it would be impossible for me to keep this a secret for the rest of my life. It was too big a part of me for me to never tell my family or friends. Telling my roommates that I was an atheist was a way for me to both be myself in my own dorm room, and test the waters for how the Christians in my life would react to the news that I’m an atheist. Perhaps if they responded well, it wouldn’t be so scary to eventually tell more people.
And respond well, they did. Coming out to them actually resulted in a long and honest conversation about faith and doubt. As a matter of fact, they have friends and family that are atheists or deists. We are all still friends, and I don’t think that their view of me has dramatically changed.
The Big Announcement
This past semester, I took a class on culture that was required for my major. The final project was a presentation on our cultural identities. We were encouraged to discuss the most salient aspects of our cultural identities, whether they were ethnic, geographical, educational, family-based, or religious.
I spent most of the presentation talking about my family’s religion, and I could have left it at that (my family’s Lutheran, so I’ll let you assume that I am, too), but I really wanted to be honest. My lack of faith is currently the most salient aspect of my cultural identity, since it is so different from those around me.
Because of this, and because no one in the class knew me closely, and therefore the information had no way of getting back to my family, I ended up announcing to the whole class that I was an atheist.
They took it surprisingly well. My classmates had so many questions that the teacher had to stop them for the sake of time.
I loved being able to answer their questions, especially knowing that many of my classmates didn’t know any other atheists. The assignment required student evaluations, and when I got them back, someone answered the question “What was your favorite part of this presentation?” with “The raw honesty.”
It was an amazing feeling to know that my classmates appreciated my bravery so much.
What’s Next?
I know I’m not yet ready to come out to my family, though I hope to be able to someday. However, after my big presentation, I now feel more comfortable at least telling people at school.
Readers on my blog, however, have made me reconsider why I want to come out so suddenly. If there’s a chance that it could change friendships, then do my friends really need to know? I decided that it really depends on the person and on the relationship.
The main reason I want to tell friends is because I don’t want to have to hide who I am, whether that be an atheist or even just a blogger. If either topic comes up naturally in conversation, then I can reveal these parts of my identity; but if it isn’t relevant or even crucial to the conversation, then often it’s best saved for a later time.
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Knowing that I’m confident enough with who I am to come out of the atheist closet at my own pace is empowering. I can come out one person (or class) at a time, and I have as long as I need to get ready and prepare to come out to my family and the rest of the world.
Meanwhile, writing online as The Closet Atheist allows me to be my honest self with my readers, until everyone else is ready to hear what I have to say.
About the Author
The Closet Atheist is a senior college student at a small Christian school. When she’s not busy rehearsing with the marching band or working at her on-campus job, she writes about her experience as an atheist at a Christian college on her blog.
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*Featured Image Provided by the Author
COLLEGE MATE 
Nice read
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Thank you!
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My pleasure
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I aĺwàýs hoĺď that onè’s ultìmàte refuge is atheìsm, Reliģiòn and God. Thanķs
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Atheism, religion and God as the ultimate refuge? How so?
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According to statistics this “leaving the faith” phenomenon is occurring in large numbers among the millennial generation. It doesn’t surprise me.
Recently, I attended a small Lutheran discussion group where the Lutheran minister passed out DVDs for us to watch at our leisure. The discussion that took place bordered on sad to sheer insanity.
I watched the DVD the next day and couldn’t finish it because it was so ridiculous.
We live in a world of connection. It is easy, in our hi-tech, digital age, to see that persons-who are NOT Christian-are kind, decent, moral, loving human beings. And yet, because they reject the Christian Word, they will suffer torment in a Christian hell for eternity. The sheer meanness and inhumanity of that thought is horrifying and cruel or in a word: evil.
The intolerance of Christianity is its greatest enemy. I think many young people who grew up, and are growing up in a world community, reject that intolerance and the mythic explanations that serve as props.
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Hello Paul. Thanks for reading her article. You’re right that the intolerance in Christianity is what turns many millennials away. We are likely the most tolerant generation that ever lived, and prize our social freedoms above anything else.
I do believe the Catholic church has realized this. Their new Pope has really tried to focus on tolerance. It’s a little funny to me that this was the original message Jesus set out to preach, but it never took root.
– Alex
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That’s really interesting–what you say about Millennials. I’ve not thought about that until now and you are quite right. Hm.
I’ve always felt that Christianity lost its way when Theodosis I declared it the state religion of Rome. Constantine was the first Christian Emperor, but it was Theodosis I, who a few decades later, would establish Christianity as the sole religion of Rome.
At that point Christianity found itself linked with state power, unfortunately not always a power for good, but often a power that sanctioned and blessed and paved the way for thousands of years of what you say–anti-Christian thought.
Hopefully, the Christian tide will turn in the next fifty years toward a greater emphasis on the teachings of Jesus: simply put, “Love thy Neighbor.” Don’t kill him. don’t tell him he’s gonna’ burn in hell if he doesn’t agree; don’t ignore his suffering.
I’ll stop here! 🙂 If I keep going it’ll be midnight…! thank you for your insight and thoughtful reply.
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Agreed on all points, Paul. Although I believe Constantine was more to blame. Didn’t he oversee that meeting between the two main sides of Christianity? He chose to side with the radicals who painted Jesus as “perfect” instead of the vast majority who painted Jesus in a more human and relatable light. That decision decided the course Christianity would take, and the books that made up the Bible as it is today.
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Yes, you are exactly right, Constantine set the tone in the First Council in Nicaea which, among other things, led to the notion of the Holy Trinity–which to this day, nobody understands!
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Nobody? You are wrong. The highly enlightened and faithful Christians understand it perfectly. It’s us non-believing idiots who miss the point. 😂
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Ha! Good point! 🙂
By the way, have you read Bart Ehrman? I’m currently reading “Jesus Interrupted.” It’s well researched and extremely interesting. If you haven’t read it, I think it’s something you’d like.
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No, I haven’t read either of those. I grew up in a very religious family, so I parked religion at the door around college. I’m all Jesussed out… haha.
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Wonderful post. Coming to terms with our identity and beliefs can be difficult, especially if they conflict with those close to us. My family is extremely religious, but I always felt a religious apathy like you. I wouldn’t declare myself completely athiest, but rather that I doubt we have a creator or “God”, more of a universal life energy that connects and guides us.
I’ve never come out to my family, and I don’t know if I ever will. I attend church sometimes, because I know they value it and there is always something to gain, no matter where you are.
I think my family would be too concerned about me going to hell if I came out as an athiest, and that amount of worry simply isn’t worth it to me. I think organized religion is toxic, and it makes me sad that we have to face issues like this with our friends and family. There shouldn’t be fear that their feelings would change because they found out something that they simply didn’t realize before.
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Thanks for reading her article Elayne. You make a very good point. People shouldn’t have to worry about being their honest selves with family and friends. I imagine the LGBTQ community faces a similar scenario.
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Precisely. I hope to see a day where people are not controlled by their judgments about the world, and are willing to accept and get to know each individual for who they are.
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We hope for the same, Elayne. In the meantime, we can have that change start with us 🙂
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That’s how I feel as well. Be the change you wish to see.
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Hugs to you, and I’m glad you could be honest about it. It’s tricky to try and tell people what you feel about a system of belief you’ve lived with your whole life and all. I haven’t really said anything to my mom about it (my dad’s ambivalent about religion in general, so no big deal there), but she’d probably blow a fuse and start lamenting how i wasn’t a good girl anymore. (for more info, here’s one of my posts on it: https://thechattyintrovert.com/2016/11/24/005-to-friend-or-not-to-friend-your-family-on-facebook/ ).
I’m not an atheist myself, as far as I know. My belief boils down to this: I believe in God and the Golden Rule, the rest is gray area. I think there’s a lot more to the universe than us puny mortals for God to concern itself with. My personal motto is paraphrased from the boy scouts, in that I wanna try to leave this Earth a better place than I found it. I think people can be good and moral without God or religion, it depends on the person.
Again, hugs to you and be good (and true) to yourself.
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Thanks so much for sharing my story! 🙂
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Our pleasure!
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After I announced I’m now atheist and vegan after being meateater and cristian, my parent freaked out
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My family wasn’t initially very accepting of my pesco-vegg diet either. So the first few weeks they deliberately only cooked meat because they said it was a “phase”. So I locked myself in my room and didn’t eat.
They finally got the point. Mom panicked, thinking I was going to starve to death, and finally made food I could eat. Now they eat up all my vegetarian food while simultaneously complaining (with full mouths) that there’s no meat lol.
-Alex
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Be yourself and be proud.people that matter would see past your beliefs.
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Great advice!
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I really appreciated this. I go to a small Christian school as well and my religious status is ambiguous (on a good day). I grew up in a Christian home, so there is a lot of pressure on me to follow in the familial tradition. Y
our story is encouraging. Thank you for writing it.
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Thank you for dropping by to read CA’s story. It’s a narrative many of us can relate to. We hope your situation improves soon!
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Enjoyed reading. I could relate myself with the writing there. Good to know that I’m not alone with this thought. Loved it.
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Thanks for dropping by! We’re glad you found the article relatable.
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